You may ask why now...why after months of writing are you back? The answer is...I'm not quite sure. Maybe it's because it is 2:05 on a Wednesday afternoon, it is quiet in the house, and even the constant hum of the T.V can not dial down my thoughts remotely. Maybe it is because life has been absolutely insane, stressful, beautiful, and scary all at once and writing is the only way to relieve any anxiety.
I've been thinking a lot about burdens lately. I don't mean the kind of burdens that make you feel bad for a little while and then casually pass... I mean the soul-wrecking, stay up until 3 AM, give-you-a-stomach-ache-from-thinking-about-it-too-much-burden. The kind that brings tears to your eyes when nothing emotional is even happening. The kind I know is God-given, because how else would I be feeling this so strongly? The kind you can not ignore no matter how many hours you spend on your phone or emotionally eating. THAT kind...the truly good kind.
The biggest burden I have is for people. That sounds so simple right? It is simply complicated. I want people to be loved and held and told nice things when the world is telling them otherwise. I want to see a dazzling smile spread across the face of strangers and a heart felt "You still matter to me" hug pass between two old friends. Those are the things I prosper from.
And please don't get the idea that I have perfected the art of loving people despite their flaws. I get frustrated. I get annoyed. I definitely get discouraged. I'm extremely sarcastic, sometimes a wimp, moody, and ironically, selfish. But all of these things do not lessen my burden...they increase it because I want to be a lover of people the way Jesus was a lover of people. I want love to radiate from my smile and live in a way where if someone is crumbling, I will help them put the pieces back together.
Yet...
One of the hardest lessons I am still trying to learn is that you can not fix people. It is not your job to fix people, nor will it ever be. My fingers shake as I type the words...because they are not words that I want to type. I wish I could type something like this...
"You can fix people by yourself. They can be fixed over a late night conversation, coffee in hand, and a very long, tearful hug. They can be fixed by one text saying that you hope that today is a good one. They can be fixed by simply telling someone 'I am here for you'. They can be fixed by paying for a strangers meal. They can be fixed by all of the good deeds in the world. Don't worry honey, you can fix them if you just have enough love pouring out of your soul. If you care enough you can fix them. If you care too much you can fix them. It is possible."
But the reality is...we as humans do not have the power. Faults are a thing, unfortunately. I've messed up in the past. I've left people who needed me, I've hurt people who didn't deserve it, and I've sat staring blankly at someone who's clawing at me, trying to get me to care. We can not fix people because we, ourselves have to be whole first. That is the cold, hard, undeniable truth.
What we can do is have arms wide open for anyone to come in, and sometimes spill out "I know what you're going through." in the most un-cliche way possible. We can have a soul that is emitting kind words and a deep love for the integrity of others. We can be a stepping stone on the way to a soul's recovery, even though we will never be the answer for someone's haunting question "What will make me whole?". We can tell people that they are worth it and truly truly truly mean it. We can be the change. I believe in that. Many people have lost faith in that, but I believe that love is the only thing that can transform a person...true, all consuming, desperate love. I believe it can change the world...and I believe that it will if we only let it.
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