So, I'm back.

You may ask why now...why after months of writing are you back? The answer is...I'm not quite sure. Maybe it's because it is 2:05 on a Wednesday afternoon, it is quiet in the house, and even the constant hum of the T.V can not dial down my thoughts remotely. Maybe it is because life has been absolutely insane, stressful, beautiful, and scary all at once and writing is the only way to relieve any anxiety.

I've been thinking a lot about burdens lately. I don't mean the kind of burdens that make you feel bad for a little while and then casually pass... I mean the soul-wrecking, stay up until 3 AM, give-you-a-stomach-ache-from-thinking-about-it-too-much-burden. The kind that brings tears to your eyes when nothing emotional is even happening. The kind I know is God-given, because how else would I be feeling this so strongly? The kind you can not ignore no matter how many hours you spend on your phone or emotionally eating. THAT kind...the truly good kind.

The biggest burden I have is for people. That sounds so simple right? It is simply complicated. I want people to be loved and held and told nice things when the world is telling them otherwise. I want to see a dazzling smile spread across the face of strangers and a heart felt "You still matter to me" hug pass between two old friends. Those are the things I prosper from.

And please don't get the idea that I have perfected the art of loving people despite their flaws. I get frustrated. I get annoyed. I definitely get discouraged. I'm extremely sarcastic, sometimes a wimp, moody, and ironically, selfish. But all of these things do not lessen my burden...they increase it because I want to be a lover of people the way Jesus was a lover of people. I want love to radiate from my smile and live in a way where if someone is crumbling, I will help them put the pieces back together.

Yet...

One of the hardest lessons I am still trying to learn is that you can not fix people. It is not your job to fix people, nor will it ever be. My fingers shake as I type the words...because they are not words that I want to type. I wish I could type something like this...

"You can fix people by yourself. They can be fixed over a late night conversation, coffee in hand, and a very long, tearful hug. They can be fixed by one text saying that you hope that today is a good one. They can be fixed by simply telling someone 'I am here for you'. They can be fixed by paying for a strangers meal. They can be fixed by all of the good deeds in the world. Don't worry honey, you can fix them if you just have enough love pouring out of your soul. If you care enough you can fix them. If you care too much you can fix them. It is possible."

But the reality is...we as humans do not have the power. Faults are a thing, unfortunately. I've messed up in the past. I've left people who needed me, I've hurt people who didn't deserve it, and I've sat staring blankly at someone who's clawing at me, trying to get me to care. We can not fix people because we, ourselves have to be whole first. That is the cold, hard, undeniable truth.

What we can do is have arms wide open for anyone to come in, and sometimes spill out "I know what you're going through." in the most un-cliche way possible. We can have a soul that is emitting kind words and a deep love for the integrity of others. We can be a stepping stone on the way to a soul's recovery, even though we will never be the answer for someone's haunting question "What will make me whole?". We can tell people that they are worth it and truly truly truly mean it. We can be the change. I believe in that. Many people have lost faith in that, but I believe that love is the only thing that can transform a person...true, all consuming, desperate love. I believe it can change the world...and I believe that it will if we only let it.

The world.

In a country like America, it seems like we all tend to forget that not everywhere else in the world is like America. It is easy to forget that not every house has plumbing or electricity, or that you can't just go to a McDonald's to get food. It is easy to forget that while food is abundant in America, in countries like Uganda, people starve everyday. It is easy to forget the freedom that individuals have in America, which in other countries, men gang rape women with no consequences and that if you are born poor, you will never be anything above that. It is easy to forget.

But my eyes were opened when I watched a certain documentary. People around the world all sent in videos of everyday life on one normal day, July 24, 2010. Watching this documentary made me realize how big the world is. That there are people out there that leave work in the morning and may not come home. That there are people out there who are dealing with money, heartbreak, loss, anger, love, and confusion. It is amazing to me that there are over six billion people in the world, yet we all have things in common, but at the same time are individually different.

The world is many things, but small is not one of them. 

Difference.

Let's be honest.

This past year has changed me. I'm not sure why, considering no big event has happened to me to cause a change. I can tell in the way I talk, think, act, treat others. I pray it is a good change. I can even tell in less philosophical ways, such as how I dress, what music I listen to, and how I express myself creatively. 

I have done sports my whole life. So when my final sport ended, I had all of this time. TIME. I have never had time in my whole high school career. At first, I just was extremely lazy because I had no idea how to wrap my mind around doing something out of boredom. I became a couch potato honestly. But when I finally started to invest my time into things I love doing, I think it changed me. You may ask, but for better or for worse? I guess I can't really make that judgement on myself. 

I don't want to say that sports has oppressed my creativeness all of these years, because that feels like a negative thought towards sports, and I love sports. But I do feel a little more free to express myself, which is proving to be a great thing. I still can't awesomely doodle though, and that depresses me.

Anyways, here are some songs I am currently obsessed with:

Also...This girl is freaking talented. Obsessed.

I think about a lot too much.

Let's talk about making a difference. 

The other day, I was talking to one of my teachers. She was telling me a story of an amazing of a man who is a lawyer who started a non-profit organization and helps with legal cases in Uganda and other countries. I felt  a flutter in my chest when she told me that he saved children from a grotesque death and got to meet many world leaders because of what he does, but I couldn't help thinking selfishly...

What am I doing with my life?

 I mean really, I sit around watching Netflix all day and sit on the computer. After hearing stories of amazing things amazing people do, the question often stares you in the eye and mocks you, jeering and poking you every time one of your accomplishments is less measurable to someone else's.

Walking away from class, the question still haunted me. Granted, I'm only 17, but even people my age have done some praise-worthy things. I follow blogs that are for non-profit organizations helping out with drugs, trafficking, third world countries, and many more. Every time I see a post showing what a difference they make, that darn question pops in my mind.

But another question made its way to mind too...

Does making a big difference mean you have to do something big?

By big, I mean starting an organization for needy children, helping orphanages in Africa, ministering to woman with anorexia, etc. You know what I mean. As I sat there pondering the question, somewhere inside of me, a little voice answered. It said...

Sometimes the biggest difference comes from the littlest act.

So no, I don't necessarily think that I have to be in third world countries feeding the hungry to make a difference (but hey, I definitely wouldn't mind having that opportunity). I think it can come from a daily act of kindness and willingness to be the change. It can come from being there for a friend no matter what, paying for a stranger's meal, or standing up for the kid that is being harassed. It can come from all of us, even the ones who think they are too small to make any change. It comes from willingness and compassion. 

It comes from within. 

Sweet relief.

Y'ALL.

So I visited University of North Texas this weekend and absolutely loved it. I feel like it is where I am supposed to go. AHHHH IT IS SO EXCITING. The campus was beautiful, the people were really friendly, and seriously just being in their rec center just makes me want to work out. So for the next few paragraphs, I'm going to ramble about the campus.

We visited one of the freshman dorms, Kerr, and for a freshman dorm, it was actually pretty nice. One thing I have not wanted in a dorm was community bathrooms. EW. In Kerr, you share a bathroom with the room next to you, not the whole hall. So, I liked that! The closets were a good size and I like the dining hall. 

One thing I am really excited about is a program that they talked about during the tour. I have been struggling with deciding a major, or even a direction for that matter, but when they talked about this it sounded like something I would be interested in. It's called communication design and it has a 100% job rate after graduation at UNT. It's basically like graphic design, advertising, and marketing combined. The program is really competitive and you have to make a portfolio to be accepted. It's pretty intense, but you only regret the things you didn't try!

Like I mentioned earlier, their rec center was amazing. The lower level has step machines, treadmills, bicycle machines, pools, and a rock wall and the top level is a track. It was so nice and made you want to work out. The union was also another cool place. It was bustling with people, and their was a live band just playing in the middle of the day! It was great. I love the whole downtown, coffee shop, live music scene in Denton. It's basically like a mini Austin.

NOW I'M SUPER PUMPED TO GO.

I'M SO TIRED OF HIGHSCHOOL.

IS IT AUGUST YET. 

Small girl hearing a big lesson.

Love.

The connotation of that word is perceived differently by many. You may have thought of the look in a man's eye as the love of his life walks down the isle. You may have thought of a mother giving up anything to see her child happy. You may have even thought of sizzling and enchanting smell and taste of cream cheese Mexican sopapillas...Really? No one else? Okay, apparently I am the only sane one here. Anyway, my point is that love is different to different people. So if many people perceive it SO many different ways, how are we to know what true love is and is not?

Before the bible was translated to English, the New Testament was in Greek. There were three names in the bible to call love, all differentiate slightly, but overall mean love. These were...

Storge- This is closeness, such as the immediate love for family. It is natural. This love doesn't require sacrifice.

Phileo- This is based on feelings you acquire for a person, such as a best friend or boyfriend/girlfriend. This love only requires sacrifice if love is returned. 

Agape- The kind of love that is demonstrated by Christ. This love requires nothing in return.

1 Corinthians 13 is a very popular chapter talking about love. It is plastered all over social media, tattoos, letters, etc. when a person is trying to express love towards another person (Phileo). I think the whole chapter is very misunderstood. People unconsciously think that this is talking about romantic love. This is not necessarily false, but the chapter is talking about the kind of love that can only be given from God through you.

It is talking about the kind of love that is patient, kind, not envious, humble, forgiving, doesn't dishonor, isn't selfish, is not provoked easily, keeps no records of wrongs, rejoices in truth, bears all things, is believing, hopes in all things, and endures all things. 

You might be thinking..."WOW. How in the world can a love be that perfect?" Well ladies and gentleman, it is not of this world, which therefore means it can be perfect. This kind of love is the love that we are called to demonstrate. You might be thinking now, "Well if it is not of this world, than how does God expect me to achieve this kind of love?" The only way this love can be achieved is through God. He has to work this through you. It will involve some discipline. Some heartache. Some disappointment. A LOT of praying. To be completely honest, you'll never be perfect at it. Now you may be thinking, "Well if I'll never be perfect at it, then why even try at all?" Because it is God's Will for all mankind. He will bless you for it, and you will bless Him for it. 

Also, imagine the amount of lives you can touch by trying to demonstrate this kind of love compared to the lives you can touch by not trying at all.

Think about how many a times a day we have the opportunity to touch someone's life, or be the change we want to see. If there was some invisible tracker counting how many opportunities like this we miss a day, the numbers would probably be very embarrassing. 

Christ demonstrated agape love throughout his life, from his miracles, to his teachings, to his sacrifice. We should all strive to be more Christ-like. Love requires sacrifice. 

Time to reevaluate the way I treat people.

Hopped up on coffee.

THIS IS ME POSTING ABOUT NOT KNOWING WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT. UGHHH

omg it's just really late and I'm wired on coffee so I don't really know what I'm saying no wonder I don't have friends

k bye